Hmmm haven't done this in a while

Hmmm so I haven't done this whole blogging thing in a while. Not really much to update. Still surviving our first deployment, Lucas is still driving me crazy, I still have no life without him here, and I haven't quit smoking yet. So with that being said, I shall blog about random thoughts HAHA.
So I'm going to my first Army wife get together thingy..no not an FRG meeting...we are going out to eat this Friday. Nervous? HA...more than slightly. I hate the feeling of not knowing if people will judge me or like me. I know I typically don't care what people think about me or if they like me, however, these are ladies I will have to talk to and see for quite some time....so it' be nice to able to at least talk to them. Blah...this is almost as bad as going on a blind date...I'm sure it will take me at least an hour to figure out what I'm going to wear. Then another hour trying to talk Lucas into not embarrassing me in public. Oh, I'm sure while I'm driving to meet them, I will probably smoke more cigarettes than I typically do and be worried the whole time if I will be fit into a certain classification because of all of my piercings, tattoo's, and the fact that I have a 6 and 2 yr old and I'm only 21.
It amazes me that all of these thoughts come to mind, however, I'll never give the slightest hint in person that any of it bothers me. Got to love that hardcore outer shell haha. You'd think after being a mother for 6yrs, I'd be use to being labeled but, honestly it never gets any easier.
(Btw, you have to excuse me jumping around...if anyone is reading this...because I'm just going along with my current thoughts.)
So, I'm not going to lie....this deployment is alot harder than I thought it would be. But, it's different than anything that I've ever experienced. It doesn't make me want to give up. It makes me want to push forward. The hard part is missing him, not being able to call him, not being able to see him, not being able to feel his touch, not being able to look into his eyes and tell him I love him and would do anything to stay with him forever. As hard as this may be right now, I'm sure that in the end this will all be worth it. Every tear I've shed, every night I've laid in bed thinking about him and wishing I could be in his arms, every moment I feel lost without him.......everything,  will all be worth it when he finally comes back and I can lay in his arms all night and just embrace his presence.
Well, that's enough for tonight....I need to write his nightly letter and once again confess my undying love for him. It's amazing what love does to you...and I hope I never lose this feeling.

I love you Henry Sauer!!
xoxo

Snowday

So it snowed today..and it actually stuck. Lucas and I made a snowman...that looks kinda gay wearing my pink hat. HAHA! Today is really dragging along...very slowly. I finally got to talk to Henry last night!! It's like talking to him makes my day sooo much better! I can't even explain how hearing his voice or talking to him over yahoo can make everything feel perfect. He is so freaking amazing!!
So before now, I didn't know that guys actually send girls stuff just to say "I love you and I'm thinking about you." I've never had that happen before. LOL! I thought it only happened in movies...hell the only time a guy has ever gotten me anything it was to say I'm sorry for cheating on you or for being a shitty b/f. LOL! Henry totally blows all those losers out of the water. He's gotten me flowers more times than anyone else..and not because he was sorry...but, because he loves me or was thinking about me. I can't explain how lucky I feel to be engaged to him. He is the best thing to ever happen to my boys and I. I wish I could describe how much I love him. I can honestly say I've never felt this way ever.
Ha ok..enough of me being mushy...I know ppl don't wanna read that :p
Um...let's see what else? Hmm..Idk..I can't get him off of my mind. I dream about him...I think about him all day and all night...every moment of the day he is on my mind and I can't stop thinking about the next time I'll finally be in his arms.
Ok I'm done boring you good people....turns out more people than I thought actually read my blogs 0_o HAHA! Once again, if you've managed to read my entire post...good job...leave me some feedback if you have any. :-)

Blah.....

So, as I stated in my last blog this week totally sucks. I'm super tired for no reason. I've been having chest pains...which sucks more. Blah!
Anyways, yet again I'm going to talk about deployments. It amazes me how much my life revolves around my fiance. I refuse to leave my house before 10am due to the fact that he might be online and I don't want to miss talking to him...also, if I go anywhere during the day, I have to be home by 1800 {6pm} just in case he gets online that night. I never leave without my cell phone...and just in case my battery gets low, I carry a spare charger in my purse. I leave my laptop on 24-7 and signed into Yahoo and Facebook as well. {I know total Loser! haha} I also, sleep with my computer on the bed so I can hear it in case he gets online...which didn't work last night..so I have to figure something else out about that! I always have something that is his with me. Normally I wear his shirt or socks or something..I know yet again {LOSER!} But, I don't mind... I love him and it helps me get through my day. I also, wait to take a shower at night until I'm for sure he isn't getting online around that time...so normally I don't finally get to bed until 2300/0000 {11pm/12am}
So on another note I talked to Henry's sister in law today...who I have to add is awesome. :-) She definitely made me feel better about a lot of things. She's really cool to talk to and very helpful.
Blah, I'm out of stuff to talk about...all I can think about is Henry and how I wish he was online...or how I wish I would've heard the computer last night @ midnight so I could have talked to him. :-( Blah

Having a bad week :(

So this week is totally sucking already. I miss him more and more as the days go by. They never seem to pass quick enough. I laid in bed crying for a few hours this morning because I missed him getting online last night. I can't seem to shake the tears today...I tear up just thinking about him. This week is sucking hardcore...but! I will not let it break me! Deployments either make you or break you...and I won't be the one that gets broken! {And he better not either!!} LOL!
It's amazing to me how much I've changed in the past two years. I use to be the person to not give a fk about fitting in with other wives or how I treated people. Not once did I ever picture myself going through a deployment or being engaged to the man of my dreams. I never wore pink...I tried to wear black, white, or grey only.
Now, I'm more in love that I ever thought I'd be. I've been going strong through this deployment {with the helping words of great friends..i.e. Aley, Amy, and Farrah}, I'm about to get married to the most amazing man in the entire universe, I'm wearing pink, and trying to get along with everyone. I feel more focused that I ever have before. I truly love my fiance and would do anything to spend the rest of my life with him.
So another thing I wanna get off my mind, trust. It's a huge issue for alot of people. I'd like to think that my fiance and I trust each other completely. However I know it is hard for him not to worry about me. As I've said I've changed alot in the past 2 years...more so in the past year. He always asks me how I'm doing, and I'm honest with him and I tell him I'm ok. Which translates to I'm not breaking, however, I'm not amazing. It means I'm still learning to deal with this deployment and every obstacle that is being thrown my way. I means I wish he could box himself up and mail the box to me...so that I would be amazing and everything would be perfect. LOL! I think it's funny that I have to describe what ok means to me...but, we all have our own different feelings and opinions.
Well, I'm done boring everyone for a while...I might blog later today....who knows. If you read this and made it all the way through without falling asleep...get yourself a cookie! You deserve it!!

I love you Henry!
xoxo

First Blog...wtf do I write haha

So....this is my first time blogging. I'm definitely not sure of what to write....I guess I should just start off with everything since this is my first blog, however, who ever is possibly reading this probably knows everything I'm going to say...oh well, suck it up and read on! LOL!
It's been almost 2 months since Henry deployed. January seemed to fly by..however February not so much...I'm so glad it's March 1st. Luckily I only have 1 more month until I finally get to see him again!!! I can't wait!
This is my first deployment, Henry's second. I didn't think that it would be this hard to be away from him. I've never had to deal with anything close to this before....also, my friends know how I use to be and almost all of them didn't think I'd be able to make it this far into this deployment. So I guess I've surprised them since they are always telling me how good of a job I'm doing.
Ha, this is totally off topic...but hell it's my blog...so whatever. I like being the person to surprise people. Sometimes I amaze myself. :-p But seriously, I don't like everything to stay the same all the time...it get's very old and boring so fast. Which is another reason I love Henry so much. He is the same way and always full of surprises!
Ok so back to the deployment stuff. Um....since he's been gone I cry myself to sleep quite often. It has gotten better over the past few weeks. I'd say I only cry for about 5 to 10 minutes now. I also have a really hard time sleeping without him beside me..so I'll stay up til about midnight or 2 am and finally just pass out. However, when I have to wake up at 0700 I realize it was a horrible idea. HAHA!
So, like alot of first timers, I always ask people for advice on how to make this deployment easier and move along faster. Everyone says to stay busy. Ha! Easier said than done! I'm sure this summer will be better...but, during the winter...wtf am I suppose to do? I clean as much as possible, I hang out with my best friend when ever I get the chance...which is a little more often now that she finally moved from back from NY to NC :-) But the days never seem to move as quickly as I want them to. I wish I could sleep until R&R and then go back to sleep until he leaves and wake up when he comes home. However, it's not that easy..and I'd totally get fat LOL! I really hope this month goes by faster!!
So yeah...I'm stuck haha! I have no idea of what else to write. So I guess that's all for now lol! If you read this then I guess thanks haha. I'm sure I'll have alot more to come.

xoxo,
I love you Henry!!